Two months later, I am still baffled by the end of my relationship. There was miscommunication on both sides. There was pain. There was confusion. But there was a lot of care and affection, too. Hand-in-hand walks. Shared ideas about God. Long evenings cuddled on the couch. Spiritual togetherness. Quick kisses in the midst of crowds. A sense of belonging.
I don’t get it. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t I enough? I had only affection for this person in my heart. I only wanted the best for him. I only wanted to be the best for him. How could he say no to that? To me? The situation makes no sense.
My only enlightenment has been to realize that love is a gift, and my own feelings of sorrow and bewilderment are ones that mirror Christ’s, in a small way. He is the Ultimate Lover, and I reject him every time I sin. That I reject him makes no sense. Why would I turn away from the one who truly understands me, who only has the best in mind for me, who died for me? What is worth spurning Perfect Love?
Yet I continue to sin.
Do I baffle Christ? I’m sure I do. Do I wound Christ? I know I do. I pray for his forgiveness. May this experience in heartache and confusion transform my heart into one that aligns with Christ’s love, always.